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Jesus says "you know, mom, you can be a real bitch sometimes. It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head. The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

How did that happen? I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF!

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The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes. The genie said 'It is done! The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. This joke reminds me of the guy that wishes for one arm to rotate clockwise the other arm counter clockwise and for this to nod back and forth. Whenever I read something that clearly indicates that the character is from down south, I automatically read it with Sam Elliott's voice in mind.

And Sam Elliot graduated from the same Portland-area highschool as my mother, his accent is affected. I thought the joke would be that he tells a blind joke, but blind and blonde sound the same in his accent. A ship captain walks into a bar, he has an eye patch and a peg leg, and also a ships wheel in his pants.

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The bartender asks "hey, does that eyepatch ever get itchy? The priest says, "I'll have some wine, since I believe in Jesus Christ, our savior and messiah. The rabbi says, "Well, I don't believe our messiah has yet walked the earth, so I'll have the Manischewitz wine. A man, in the last moments of his life, has a vision of himself walking on a beach, viewing all the most important memories of his life. The man, as he was walking across the beach,saw that there were two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to him, and the other to sasquatch. The man noticed that occasionally, there were sometimes only one set of footprints, and he also noticed that it happened at the lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered the man, and he asked sasquatch about it. I don't understand why when I needed you the most, you would leave me. This shit is cracking me up.

I know if I tried to tell anyone this joke I'd be laughing like a moron halfway through. EDIT: I tried to tell a few people, managed to keep it together, hit the punchline and just died laughing after. Two whales walk into a bar, the bartender asks the first whale, "What will you have? Wooowooooooooooooooooowoooooooooo woooooooooo wooooooo woooooooooooooooooooooooooowoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooowoooooooooooowoo wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo woo.

This goes on for several more minutes, then the bartenders turns to the second whale who says, "Don't worry about him, he's got some brain damage. Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What can I get you guys?

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Are you a piece of string! A programmer walks into a bar and orders a beer, then two more beers, then -1 beers, a bear, and a asdfghjk. The bartender serves three beers and ignores everything else. The programmer walks out, sastified that the bar is operating correctly. I like this one, know it as a "QA guy walks into a bar" and orders beers among other things. Argon walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender shouts, "We don't serve noble gasses here! An infinite number of mathematician walk into a bar. Then barman gives them 2 pints and say "You mathematicians don't know your limits".

The first one says he doesn't know because he wants a drink but didn't know if the other 2 do if he didn't want a drink he'd answer no as all not all 3 would. Third one therefore knows 1 and 2 want a drink, he also wants one so all three want a drink, thus he can confidently answer that yes, all 3 want a drink. A mathematician and an engineer are locked at one end of a long, narrow, dark room. Suddenly the lights come on and they see a huge stack of money at the other end of the room. A voice booms over a loudspeaker, telling them that they are allowed to move half the distance to the money every second.

The mathematician sits down on the floor and crosses his arms and legs in frustration. We'll never reach it!

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  • The engineer takes off, running toward the money. The version of this I heard had a beautiful willing woman, which I think makes the "all practical purposes" punchline funnier.

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    This i got out of a book from years ago, so i may have some details incorrect, but the joke is still palatable. A man walks into a bar with a small crocodile. He stands on a stool, gathers the bars attention and says to everyone, "Any betting men, if I can place my frank and beans in this crocs mouth for a minute and pull it out unscathed, you owe me 5 bucks!

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    The man sets a timer, the croc latches on, and after a minute, the man smashes a beer bottle over the head of the croc, revealing his undamaged package. Everyone cheers and hands their 5 in to the man. He stands back up on the bar stool and calls out to the crowd, "If anyone else can do the same, ill give you what i just won! A young woman walks to the front of the crowd and tells the man, "Ill do it, as long as you dont smash a bottle over my head too!

    There is a big, strong looking Stallion in the corner, and people are talking to it. The man approaches the bartender and asks;.

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    He whispers something into the horses ear, and the horse laughs. How did you do it? A week goes by, and the man goes back. This time, the horse is there, but with a new event. He approaches the bartender, tilts his head and nods towards the horse. The man gives another smirk. He walks over to the horse, says something, and the horse laughs. He then fumbles around in front of him for a second, and then the horse begins to cry. The man says" Well, the fist time i told him my dick was much larger than his.

    This time, I showed him, too. A man walks into a bar with a cat and an emu.